The Rules Top

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing
with women.  Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand
just how it works.  Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule
applies:  Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes, and you get
points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.  Sorry,
that's the
way the game is played.  Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
And it's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking
buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the
colours of your favourite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
what
do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

 ...........................................................................................................................................

Things You Didn't Know Top

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50 of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrial or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23 of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

*** 90% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. ***

 ...........................................................................................................................................

Beheading Top

Question Does beheading hurt? And, if so, for how long is the severed head aware of its plight?

Answer 

Yes, beheading hurts. How much depends on the executioner's skill, or lack of it. When Mary, Queen of Scots, was executed at Fotheringay Castle in 1587, a clumsy headsman gave her three strokes without quite managing to sever her head. The headsman then had to saw though the skin and gristle with his sheath knife before the job could be regarded as complete. The profound, protracted groan Mary gave when the axe first hit left the horrified witnesses in no doubt that her pain was excruciating. How long is the interval of consciousness after the head is severed? In France, in the days of the guillotine, some of the condemned were asked to blink their eyes if they were still conscious after the knife fell. Reportedly, their heads blinked for up to 30 seconds after decapitation. How much of this was voluntary and how much due to reflex nerve action is speculation. Most nations with science sophisticated enough to determine this question have long since abandoned decapitation as a legal tool. Dale McIntyre, University of Cambridge

Answer

Antoine Lavoisier, the French chemist who lived between 1743 and 1794,wascaught up in the revolution and faced beheading. He asked friends toobserve closely as he would continue blinking as long as possible after being killed. He was reported to have blinked for 15 seconds after decapitation. A. Gryant, Sydney

Answer

The story of Antoine Lavoisier's last heroic service for science has been reported many times but unfortunately appears to have no basis in fact. It is not given in any contemporary account we have been able to find, nor in the standard accounts of his life and death. As pointed out above, however, there have been attempts to ascertain if a severed head retains consciousness. The most reliable account appears to be that given below. editor,

Answer

A particularly detailed report comes from Dr Beaurieux who, under perfect circumstances, experimented with the head of the murderer Languille, guillotined at 5.30 am on 28 June, 1905. (From A History of the Guillotine by Alister Kershaw. His source is Archives d'Anthropologie Criminelle, 1905): "Here, then, is what I was able to note immediately after the decapitation: the eyelids and lips of the guillotined man worked in irregularly rhythmic contractions for about five or six seconds . . . I waited for several seconds. The spasmodic movements ceased. The face relaxed, the lids half closed on the eyeballs, leaving only the white of the conjunctiva visible, exactly as in the dying whom we have occasion to see every day in the exercise of our profession, or as in those just dead. It was then that I called in a strong, sharp voice: 'Languille!' I saw the eyelids slowly lift up, without any spasmodic contractions . . . Next Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves . . . After several seconds, the eyelids closed again, slowly and evenly, and the head took on the same appearance as it had had before I called out. "It was at that point that I called out again and, once more, without any spasm, slowly, the eyelids lifted and undeniably living eyes fixed themselves on mine with perhaps even more penetration than the first time. Then there was a further closing of the eyelids, but now less complete. I attempted the effect of a third call; there was no further movement and the eyes took on the glazed look which they have in the dead. "I have just recounted to you with rigorous exactness what I was able to observe. The whole thing had lasted twenty-five to thirty seconds." For further details see www.metaphor.dk/guillotine Mike Snowden, London

Answer

If indeed a severed head remains conscious for a short while then the following procedure might be regarded as humane--assuming the purpose was to convince the dying man he was flying to heaven. editor,

Answer

Dr Livingstone wrote that Africans he encountered were aware that consciousness is not lost immediately. He recounts how they bent a springy sapling and tied cords from it under the ears of a man to be decapitated so that his last few moments of awareness would be of flying through the air. John Rudge, Harlington, Middlesex

Answer

However quickly consciousness is lost, there is little doubt that the procedure must produce a painful few seconds. In 1983, Harold Hillman, then reader in physiology at the University of Surrey, wrote an account of the suffering caused by different methods of execution for New Scientist(27 October, p 276) at the time when the World Medical Association had just discussed attitudes of physicians to capital punishment. This is what Hillman said about the guillotine: "The guillotine was named after the French deputy who proposed the use of the device in 1789. It was tested on corpses at the Bicetre Hospital in Paris, and employed by the French Revolution in 1792. It was introduced as a swift and painless device--as Joseph-Ignace Guillotin believed-- to extend to all citizens the advantages of a technique used only on noblemen. Although people believe that Guillotin invented the device, it had been used in Italy, Germany, France and Scotland in the 16th century. "Guillotining was considered more humane because the blade was sharper and execution was more rapid than accomplished with an axe. Death occurs due to separation of the brain and spinal cord, after transection of the surrounding tissues. This must cause acute and possibly severe pain. Consciousness is probably lost within 2-3 seconds, due to a rapid fall of intracranial perfusion of blood. "There are accounts of the eyes looking around from the severed head, and animals may do this when they are guillotined for experiments in which their organs are to be excised or their brain biochemistry is to be examined rapidly."


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Actually said in court Top

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things
people  actually  said  in  court,  word  for word, taken down and now
published  by  court  reporters  - who had the torment of staying calm
while  these  exchanges  were actually taking place. I've seen some of
these before, but most were new to me, hopefully to you too.

______________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
__________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
forgotten?
_______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son; the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Kathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
_________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that! when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old; how old is he?
________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.
_________________________________________________
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to
give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few
bucks myself.

 ...........................................................................................................................................

What I've learned from television Top

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a parade - at any time of year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

 ...........................................................................................................................................

How many dogs does it take...? Top

"QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out
bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to
code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while
he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
dark......

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle....

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?

German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the
light? I SAID,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Great Dane: Do any of you need to reach the lightbulb by climbing on my
back???????????

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the
question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

 ...........................................................................................................................................

Cleaning your icons Top

Most contemporary icons are produced with great care and
attention to detail. However, being subjected to repeated clicking
and constant bombardment by cathode rays, they tend to
deteriorate over time.

In order to maintain their graphic integrity, it is recommended that
the following procedure be followed at least once every six months:

1. Remove the icon from the monitor, being careful to handle it only
by the edges to avoid pixel damage.

2. Soak in a lukewarm, soapy solution for 5 to 10 minutes. Do not
rub or scrub, or pixels may be shifted, resulting in serious
disintegration of the image.

3. Remove from bath and stand on edge to dry. Under no
circumstance attempt to dry with a rag or lens tissue, and never
subject to blow-drying, or permanent damage may result. If more
than 5% of the pixels have been lost, replace icon with a new one.

4. Carefully replace cleaned icon in monitor, taking special care not
to touch the surface.

5. Allow to set one hour before using. If icons need to be
exchanged from one computer to another, they should be
transported only in specially prepared icon cases available at any
computer or electronic supply store.

Remember, icons are the heart and soul of the Windows
environment, and should be treated accordingly.

 ...........................................................................................................................................

How, What & Why? Top

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........

How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?
Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.

Why did man invent alcohol?
So ugly women could have sex too.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blowjob!"

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad says "rub-it, rub-it".

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

 ...........................................................................................................................................

Occupations Top

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

The US Election Results Top

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  it's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

University Application Top

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.
The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

Cybersex Transcript Top

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner ...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in your... you know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: (logged off)


 ...........................................................................................................................................

The Resignation Letter Top

Best ever resignation letter (An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S IS employee)

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to
explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to
stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who
watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for
the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will
also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and
explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as
telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than
you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking
for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that
may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs
at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I
have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to
employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you
can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends
randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest,
because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the
passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you
have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going
to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you
made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration. 3. When
you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day",
you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself
in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron
you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a
ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in
safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation.
(Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f***
with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all
your free time.
Sincerely,

T. Brewer


 ...........................................................................................................................................

Nationality Test Top

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision.
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.


2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?

(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching souzaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.


3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?

(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is
still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.


4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirin and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.


5. What do you have for breakfast?

(a) A bowl of cornflakes, a slice of toast, and a mug of tea.
(b) A glass of orange juice, a croissant, and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.


6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.


7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.


8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?

(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again.
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue you wife's ass.


9. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?

(a) Let them get on with it, but offer your advice if needed.
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides.
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests, and take over the talks.


10.There is a popular black leader in your country. What do you do?

(a) Welcome him with open arms.
(b) Listen to what he has to say.
(c) Assassinate him.


11. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:

(a) Monitor to see if human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary.
(b) Monitor to see if human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice.
(c) Invade the country, flattening all buildings, and fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on.
After all, a kill is a kill.


12. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack you should:

(a) Treat victims, clean up, and find those responsible.
(b) Treat victims, clean up, find those responsible and bring them tojustice.
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.


Answers...

If you answered mostly (a)s & (b)s then you are a normal well balanced individual.

If you answered mostly (c)s then sorry, you are an American.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

System Failures Top

A friend is having trouble with his system.

Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between  these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.

But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.

However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.

But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted - they then re-surface months later.  Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.

Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle express needs to be reinstalled every week.

It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or run the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before   un-installing itself.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

President Bush Jr Top

Some of the interestings things Bush Jr has said,

1. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush Jr.

2. "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

3. "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 8/11/94

4. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 9/15/95

5. "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 12/6/93

6. "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

7. "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 9/21/97

8. "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

9. "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

10. "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.

11. "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr., 9/22/97

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Governor George W. Bush Jr.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

Army Interview Top

Note: This is an exact replication of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit  your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting?  That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: Don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how.  We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

The Good Wife Guide Top

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he is late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, He is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work.

Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach.

If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.

At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.

Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your promise to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a mans satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches /his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any more of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but registering any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply you night time face and hair products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

Feng Shui Top

Forget about "Feng Shui". Using the "Feng Shite" techniques make more sense...
Instead of rearranging stuff in your house to improve inner harmony (or whatever), try the equally ancient art of House Messing. This definitive guide will change your life forever.

EENIE MEENIE MINIE MO
Aim to have at least six different bottles of shampoo and conditioners open and in use at any one time.

LET THEM DO IT
A key advantage of married life is the 50% reduction in your obligation to change the bed sheets.

PONGY MESS
Never wash out your cans properly before you put them in your recycling bag. This way they will start to smell quite nicely within a few days.

CREATING BALANCE IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Use the top of the wardrobe to build a structurally challenged pile of things you might one day either throw away or store in the loft.

NO CLEAN CUPS?
Purchase extra supplies of mugs, teaspoons and knives. They will equip you to survive an extra day before having to wash up.

THE PHYSICS OF MAXIMUM DAMP
Remember that towels dry better hanging horizontally.

POT PLANTS
Kill them. Leave them in sit for six months before burial.

YOUR HOLIDAY UNPACKING FORMULA
(x(x+2))/3=y
x = the number of days you were on holiday
y = the number of days you leave your half unpacked suitcases and toiletry bags scattered throughout the house.

HAVE A 'THINGS PENDING' WALL
Bookshelves make an ideal holding pen for miscellaneous chores - items, for example, you intend to file some day, return to the shop for a refund, fix, or post to your cousin in Australia.

WHEN THE PAPER RUNS OUT...
Leave empty loo rolls on ! the toilet room floor. They will eventually make their own way to the rubbish bin.

FLOWER POWER
Keep bouquets in their vases long enough to ensure that the leaves and petals drop onto the floor.

DISH MOUNTAIN
'This needs soaking' is a House Messing mantra. Use and abuse it.

IN HONOUR AND MEMORY OF THY MISSING LIDS
Religion is an important cornerstone of Feng Shite. Make your bathroom window sill a shrine to lidless tubes of toothpaste.

COFFEE TABLES
Buy one with a lower shelf designed to display posh, oversized photographic books ('Big Cats Close Up' and 'New York Loft Architecture' type of thing). Use the lower shelf to create an 8ft square living sculpture called "I think my lost car keys are in there somewhere".

FENG FRIDGE
Cover your fridge door with magnets, memos, alphabet sets, shopping lists, favourite greeting cards and cartoon strips. This will replace a clean, white empty surface with a random visual explosion - Feng Shite at it's finest!

FEE FI FO FENG
Growing sees is such fun!. Nurture some herbs on your windowsill in little terracotta pots. The herbs won't grow and the soil will turn fantastically damp and mouldy. If you're lucky some spiders might move in, or a cigarette butt.

ELIMINATE GRATUITOUS CHORES
The bath sees more fresh water than any other household object or surface. It is therefore self-cleaning.

PETS
Long haired varieties are best. (Though budgies and camels are also good.)

THE MODERN ELEMENT
Fire, Earth, Wind and Water are all fine and dandy, but House Messers prefer Plastic! Save supermarket carrier bags as if your life depended on it.

NEWSPAPERS
Buy weekend edition papers every Saturday and Sunday. Leave the Saturday edition scattered over the table until you read it on Wednesday. Leave the Sunday edition scattered on the lounge floor until you read it on Friday. Leave the supplements from both in the toilet until someone else removes them.

PENS
Never EVER throw one out.

FILE & DUMP
Use piles to collect and store dirty laundry. Studies show that beneath the door of the washing machine, the foot of your bed, and any spot on the bathroom floor work best.

BABIES
Have as many as possible.

TOYS
Only buy huge, obtrusive toys, made of garish, primary-coloured pieces of plastic.

I'M DAMNED IF I'M PICKING THAT UP!
Though toys with zillions of pieces are also good, try large tubs of Lego and little wooden train sets.

WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT
Place a ! large bowl next to the telephone as an exclusive home for your keys. Fill the bowl instead with not-sure-if-these-are-used-or-not batteries, paperclips, discount vouchers, phone cards, some staples, one shoelace, a screwdriver, nail clippers, three stamps, a box of matches and a broken doorknob.

CHILDREN
Tell them that mess is cool. tell them they are responsible for making their own mess.

BORROW THEM IF YOU HAVE TO
If you haven't babies or young children of your own, it helps to have someone else's visit once in a while.

CUPBOARDS
Are not for storing things. They are for hiding things.

WARNING! COULD BE TIDY IF MANAGED BETTER
Never put CD's back into their correct cases. This will create hours of fun for your anally retentive loved one.

FENG LAUNDRY NO.1
1) Leave clean laundry in a pile (somewhere) to await folding
2) Leave pile so long that you retrieve and wear most of it before you fold it.
3) Throw the remnants of the clean pile into the airing cupboard.

IRONING
Don't provide your iron and ironing board with a permanent home. This ensures they will be constantly up and visible, somewhere.

CLUTTER
One can never own too many coasters or cushions.

FENG SHITE FOR LIFE
Post is a free House Messing ingredient. Send away for just one catalogue and as if by magic your name will be on every junk mail mailing list in the country.

I WONDER WHAT THAT'S OFF!
If in doubt, keep it. One never knows when the World Screw Shortage Crisis will kick in.

VACUUMING
Vacuuming is pants: Don't do it.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT Top

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


 ...........................................................................................................................................

Remember When... Top

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A programme was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-in. floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead!


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Random Thoughts Top

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy..........Other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.

Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail..........and succeed..........which have you done?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "ass-teroids"?

The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?


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Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at the office but aren't Top

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't...
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.


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A man's dictionary Top

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."


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Terrorist Suicidal Volunteers Top

It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.

* No Hooters.

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!!!.

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. fucking sand everywhere!

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More fucking sand everywhere!

* Rags for clothes and hats.

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western.".

* Constant wailing from next door ... no...wait, that's their music!

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better... No wonder they volunteer!"


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Name That Virus Top

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.


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"If Santa answered his mail honestly... Top

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year,and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

*****
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

*****
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa


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